The Party Drags On

So, we start off with the ladies getting ready for an underwear party in Miami, because what else are they going to do in this city? Nothing quite sets the mood like sitting down for dinner with your bare punani pressed directly against crushed velvet seating.

I will say, it was a total joy to see the Miami women back on screen. They exist on a level of beauty that the other cities just can't seem to touch. Is it the Vitamin D, or is it top-tier plastic surgery? I think we all know the answer to that one. Then the Jersey crew rolls up, and wow, Melissa looks stunning. Truly glowing.

Unfortunately, once the party got going, we fall right back into the same loop we’ve been stuck in for the last six episodes: the women stumble around a bar, mediocre speeches are made, and nothing really sparks. The few standout moments from this underwear saga:

• Luann’s "Alleged" Energy: If I had been at this party, I would have counted the number of times Lu went to the bathroom and maybe even checked her nose for residue. ALLEGEDLY!

• The Fake 'Fight': Larsa and Lisa’s fight over a man felt painfully scripted and self-produced.

• The Speech Hall of Shame: Lisa’s speech was long, winding, and aggressively self-centered. Par for the course for her, and took the award for the worst speech of the trip so far.

• Delusional Validation: Watching Lisa Barlow get genuinely thrilled over Larsa validating her "fame" (for attending movie premieres alongside 500 other random invitees) was painful.

Between another housewife breaking into song and more blurred nipples than all other Bravo franchises combined, it was a lot.

Thankfully, the underwear party didn't swallow the whole episode. The ladies woke up and actually made it to the airport on time (thank you, Lisa!) for the New York stint of the trip. Though I have to say... watching these glitzed-out women trudge up a basic public airline jetbridge is just depressing. Where was the budget for private?!

A New York State of Mind

The recap of the classic New York era was so refreshing and gave me so much joy. Porsha nailed it: these women came in, owned their age, knew who they were, and knew what they wanted. We were privileged to watch that era unfold in real-time.

What I didn't need to see up close and personal was Luann and her boyfriend Michael in bed sharing a post-coital espresso. You could practically smell it through the screen.

The "Mafia Lunch," however, was heartwarming.

Carole’s poem was sweet and thoughtful, which led into Teresa having an emotional moment reflecting on her years with the franchise. It hit a real chord. These women have lived out loud longer and more intensely than almost anyone else on television. It hasn't always been pretty, but it’s been raw and self-produced. They’ve been dragged through court cases, served prison time, and lost parents, and they shared every single second of it with a full face beat and a loud clap-back.

We always say we shouldn't bring the kids or parenting styles into fights, so it felt genuinely good to hear them discuss how their reality TV fame impacted their families. Hearing Teresa, Kyle, and Gizelle break down the heavy reality of raising children in front of cameras was surprisingly powerful.

Halloween in December & Throwback Drama

Because we apparently haven't suffered through enough endless costume parties, we head back to the hotel to prep for a "Halloween Party"—in what looks like mid-December based on the piles of snow on the sidewalk outside.

Vicki dressed as Taylor Swift just felt sad and desperate, even more so than Luann’s "sexy pirate" or Lisa’s basic cat costume. I did, however, love that Luann’s assistant dressed up in drag as Luann from the night of her Palm Beach arrest, handcuff slips, officer assault, and all. Iconic behavior.

Contrary to what the newer wives think, the Lady Gaga callback was cute. This show is supposed to be a retrospective of iconic franchise moments. Dorinda’s drunk bubble-babble is more iconic than anything Jessel could ever muster, and Jessel knows it—hence the shade. She has to tear down the legends because she's embarrassed by her "food influencer" husband and the fact that her own show got put on pause after two seasons.

The biggest shock of the night was the brief glimpse of Jill. They let her back? Did she have to sign a legal waiver promising not to say anything racist or homophobic this time?

Unfortunately, the "Next On..." trailer didn't look overly promising, but at this point, a good old-fashioned sprinter van fight might be the only thing that gives me the boost I need to survive the rest of this trip.

We shall see...